My fellow Americans,

I have heard a great deal of backlash over my decision to conduct top-secret government business on a personal email server as Secretary of State.   I understand and appreciate your concern.

While I believe my actions were legal and in our country’s best interests, I left the door open for doubt with my lack of transparency, and I regret not being forthright with my intentions at the start of my term as Madam Secretary.

For this reason, I want to be perfectly honest with you about something from the get-go:

If I’m elected President, and we’re pushed into a nuclear conflict, I will use a nuke from my own private collection of nukes to devastate our enemies.

Not a government nuke.  My own personal nuke.

So don’t act all surprised and say you didn’t know.

It’s not that I don’t think our government’s nuclear arsenal is top-notch.  It’s just that I know my own arsenal to be the most lethal, state-of-the-art collection of nukes in the world.  Ever since I first had the idea that it might be nice to have my own nuclear weapon (in the middle of my husband’s second term), I have personally tended to every aspect of the proliferation process, from staffing, to quality control, to testing.

I trust my nukes.  I’ve named them. I snuggle with them regularly.

But even with all this being said, I can already hear the naysayers.

If the U.S. gets dragged into a nuclear war while I’m president and I opt to launch from my own stash, some people will surely say that the government’s arsenal is massive and intimidating, whereas a smaller, personal nuke collection won’t frighten our enemies.

I hear you.  Our government has thousands of nukes and I only have several.  However, when you have so many nukes it can be hard to decide which one to launch.  I know exactly which one of my nukes I’d launch first:  Hillary Jr.  Without question.

If you’re still having trouble wrapping your head around this decision, put yourself in my shoes for a second.

If you were President and you felt in your heart that a new law governing campaign finance, or healthcare perhaps, would be great for the country – would you risk trying to achieve this law’s passage through the minefield that is our constitutionally outlined legislative process, or would you nut-up and find a way to pass the law by yourself, in private, using your own words and no one else’s?

That’s what I thought.  And that’s exactly how I feel about nukes.

Trust me on this one.

Sincerely,

H.R.C.